I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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