Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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