I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
