I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
