He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
