I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
this hospital has no fireball
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
