My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
