It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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