she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
