Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
