so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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