bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
