Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
