True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
