bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
