Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
