you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
