puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
