Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
