how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
