Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
