On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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