His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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