The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
