I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
