My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
