So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
