There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
