I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i came on her dog
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
