You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
