He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
