When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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