His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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