so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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