Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
