an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
