I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
