Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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