Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
