She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
