I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
