I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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