Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
