Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
