I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
