she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
