Just fell off a train. Bad.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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