i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
