my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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