I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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