Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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