We named our party play list daddy issues
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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