awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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